Something Missing
by Green Hat
Summary: Shadow’s past is little more than a blur to him, but he’s tormented by the feeling there’s something missing. Now he hopes he may have found someone willing to help fill in the gaps…


Disclaimer: Puppet, puppet, puppet! Just call me Pinocchio; I own nothing…

Loosely based around one of my other fics, "The Thousand" although this should work on its own hopefully.

**Something Missing**

There's something missing from my mind. That place where you all keep your memories, of what you laughingly call the past is empty. Without that, you could say I've forgotten who I am. Maybe I never knew; that's my problem. For most people that's a concept that's hard to understand, you're born into a body, you grow old with it, your personality changes with you… The person you are is an impalpable part of your being… its hard to define, but you know its there.

My world, my being was perverted from the beginning. Let alone trying to understand who I am, I'm still struggling with _what. _Just _what _am I? You've heard me ask this question before, you must be tired of hearing me ask, but so far I've not found anyone who can answer, responses on a postcard or stuck down envelope right? If only it were that simple. You can laugh, but it's not that easy for me.

So maybe I should start by trying to answer a simpler question. What are you…? It seems a paradox that I prefer to answer questions about you… but to me you seem so certain… I know what you are. A Guardian. Is it wrong that secretly I wish you could be mine? Surrounded by so many of these uniform horrors, these faceless nightmares you seem the only thing that is truly certain in my life. I wish that I could have the certainty of _knowing _that when I wake up I won't be alone, of _knowing_ that I _will_ see your face when I open my eyes… Though we laugh about it, and I push you away I don't mean too… Maybe I'm just… afraid…

Learning to love and care for others was not something that was included in my education. It's something I have to learn all on my own, that's hard, as by its very essence to be able to care requires some other creature upon whom to place that affection. I am frightened… but I'm not willing to admit that out loud. I'm frightened that if I get close to anyone they will only be taken away from me again, I'm scared of the pain that separation would entail. So I push back everyone who tries to get close… I force them away… so that they can't hurt me by leaving, and so that I in my foolishness can't hurt them. I can't bare the memory of another pair of pained eyes burning into mine, that image will stay with me forever… I hope someday you can find it in yourself to forgive me for pushing you away…

I don't know if you understand my confusion… my desperation, this burning longing that fills me that says I _must_ be something more than I am. I _must_ be part of something. My endless search for purpose. You on the other hand… your purpose is ordained, so selfless, so noble. I wish that I could be part of that convention. Yes my life has been ruled by laws defined by others, yes I _am_ a puppet, but now my strings have been cut I no-longer know the dance. I find myself floundering around, lurching from one impassive soul to the next, searching for something I will perhaps never find… I thought I'd come close with you… Maybe I'd found a spirit willing to comfort me in my misery and allow me to do the same for you in return… then as I drew so close… _my_ heart turned to stone, because I am afraid.

Sometimes I wish I could curl up in your arms, scurry my way into your chest and burry myself there. Hiding in your heart I wouldn't have to face the horrors of my own world. I fancy that there I would forever be surrounded by the comforting feeling I experience every time you allow me to stand at your side. But then just as I am drifting away with this fantasy I remember, I am only fooling myself. Such things are impossible, and I know there will never be any room for _me_ in your heart.

I wonder if you know how I torment myself. How I spend sleepless hours pondering my thoughts, nights of nightmares fearing you will reject me. I wonder how you would react if you knew… Maybe you would pity me, pity my childlike naivety, croon over me like you would a baby with a new toy… Then, once my despair seems ebbed just a little from its desperate peak return to your normal duty bound existence and forget me in my lonely agony. I know I long for something that cannot be.

So what do I do Guardian? Ignore this feeling I have every time I stand at your side? Ask you a question you might not want to answer? Request something of you you are unable to give, even if it were your wish? What should I do my Guardian? I am so lost… I don't know what I am… I don't know what I would be asking, even if I _could_ find the words. All I know is that now in my times of greatest despair I can think only of you, and wish that I could curl up in your embrace, and hide myself in your heart.

For me not knowing is better than the risk of rejection. I can't go through that again…


End file.
